Just Another Ordinary, Extraordinary Day

Today was the first time in about five months that my son spent time with both of his parents since our break up last September. There have been uphill war battles, flat land war battles, air dropped bombed war battles, nuclear war battles and few days of peace in between. Needless to say it hasn’t been the easiest of transitions for all three of us. Wednesday, my ex came into town to come and spend a few days with Jaxon after not being able to see one another for four months. Seeing the way the looked at one another Wednesday night when said Ex walked through the door melted me into a puddle of goo. Through it all, one thing has always been constant, their bond has been unbreakable. The distant has changed it for sure, but that is to be expected of course.

My nerves and guard were completely up of course because it wasn’t too long ago that Steven and I had one of our emphasis blow ups. It amazes me how we can butt heads like we do in some a ferocious way and then be okay. It’s always been this way. Arguments turn into blow ups and then we go back to normal. It’s not healthy, it’s not fun and I can’t figure out how to stop. And since we’ve broken up, it’s only gotten uglier. The problem is that we never made an effort to create a good communication flow that we were both comfortable with. We left a lot unsaid for the sake of peace or we just ignored a lot. Now it seems every little thing that irked us about the other is coming out. But it’s actually just three major things on both sides, and it seems like no matter what the other seems to do to fix the issue, the other person refuses to see it. I’ll be the first to admit that I’ve seen improvement in certain areas that bothered me, but when he pushes my buttons I will ignore it and hit below the belt. He does the same thing. So you see why I was nervous?

Now all was not bad. Actually most of our relationship was great. We were like Cliff & Clair Huxtable. Lucy & Ricky. Sinclair & Overton. Bonnie & Clyde. Milli & Vanilli! We started off dating, but as a romance bloomed so did this passionate, truthful, free, trusting friendship that was the base of our relationship. It started that way because to be honest, Steven and I are a lot alike. It was very hard for me to admit at first because I didn’t really see it. I actually saw him as my polar opposite. He is calm, where I am fiery. He is structured where I am artistic & creative. He is conservative where I am free loving. He is easy-going where I need a plan. I over-communicate, he doesn’t communicate at all. But the things we loved and are passionate about, are aligned like the stars. And the way we love, the way we guard from love. Our stubbornness has kept us toe to toe. Our love for our family and loyalty to our friends bridged us closer together. Our passion for politics, music, cars,art,  God, community and laughter harmonized us. Then there was/is our love for food and all that is delicious! I would cook and cook and he would eat and eat. He was the easiest person to talk to, and became the only person I could talk to that understood me and vice versa. We learned each other through words and sometimes it was as if we could read each other’s thoughts. We fell into a quick sync, joined at the hip without even realizing it and finishing each other’s sentences. Creating characters like “Rich Eccentric Steve”, “Retired Steve” & “Retired Brooke”, “Eccentric Producer Brooke” and other classics. We entertained ourselves and each other with the silliest things. We had created our own world and people loved to come in and visit. How did we fall apart? Colitis and mood swings/responsibility/misunderstanding of the disease and all that goes with it, miscommunication and too many distractions. Also, we both got lazy and just stopped trying. It happens to a lot of people. Sad, but true… but I digress! That’s a whole ‘nutha post on why we need to step our relationship game up when after we decide to have families!!

Today seemed like one of those days. For a day we were tag teaming parents, laughing old friends, caring old friends…in fact I think “Rich Eccentric Steve” paid a visit this afternoon after lunch. My son was at his happiest and Steven and I, well, we were in sync. Not one argument or disagreement. Not one dirty look or nasty word. No disrespect. No distractions. No discomfort. It was like any other day for the three of us. It was amazing, almost extraordinary if you consider the last few months. I mean dare I say that I enjoyed today? Dare I say that I enjoyed the company of my ex? Yes, I do and did. It was actually nice to have my old friend back. To not have uncomfortable forced conversations. To just be able to say something to him and not have to think and over think my words. To be at ease with what seemed to be an old friend. To see my son so happy and comfortable was a great feeling. To see Steven relaxed and back to who he use to be with me was good. It was nothing less than just another ordinary, extraordinary, awesome day!

Do I think we can be best friends again, I don’t know. Wounds have just started to scab over and emotions still run high. Would I like to be friends? To be honest yes. I miss my friendship with Steven on most days. I do miss our family dynamic, but that will always be, just in a different way. As far as me and Steven separate from being parents, I do miss him as a person. He’s a great person at heart and he is someone who I enjoyed having in my circle because he brought great things to the table. I hope that today was a jump off of whats to come. I hope that we can grow from this point, this day and start anew. Start listening more than yelling. Stop being so defensive. Stop pushing and pulling. Stop hurting one another…for no reason. We can co-exist as parents and as people. Brooke & Steve, the buddies came out today. It gave me hope that all is not lost. That there is no hate residing deep in his heart or even in mine. It gave me hope that we can co-parent and allow our son to feel secure and loved by both of his parents. It gave me hope that maybe, just maybe we don’t have to live with this guard up against each other. That maybe, just maybe our love has grown and moved into a different kind of space, but that the love is there.

I think it’s going to take some time. Like I said, scabs just formed. But I have a feeling things will be brighter, lighter and easier for the three of us. We have to just take the time to work at it. Cultivate it and want it! If not for ourselves than for our son. All hope is not lost!  Today was truly an awesome day, and the kids are gonna be alright! From the bottom of my heart, thank you, God! Thank you!

I’m Alive…Yes, I Am…I’m Alive

It has taken me a week to begin this post. Part of it is the fact that I am still trying to wrap my brain around the entire event and all that has happened over the past 3 weeks. Part of it is a bit of shame and embarrassment. And then part of it is I’m still trying to understand it all. But at the encouragement of my mother, I’m going to use my little platform to share my story. She made me realize that I could be helping someone else make the decision…maybe someone else won’t feel so alone.

Now you’re probably like, What the hell is she talking about? Well, as most of my readers know I suffer from Ulcerative Colitis, specifically left-sided colitis. I was diagnosed a little about five years ago and after I had my son my disease took a drastic turn. I began to have joint issues, my hair fell out, my skin would become sensitive to touch and the sun, etc. I had extreme pain most days in back, my side and stomach. I had frequent bathroom visits that mostly consisted of bloody diarrhea that left me feeling nauseous and in pain after each visit. These are some basic symptoms, unfortunately for me with no more health insurance because of my pre-existing condition and just not a lot of knowledge of the disease itself, my colitis got out of control. When I say out of control I mean it took over my life completely. I was unable to be really social. I was unable to work. It took a toll on my ex and our relationship, and eventually he left. I suffered from depression and had more emergency room visits than I could count. In 3 years I’ve had 3 in patient hospital visits, 2 miscarriages and I went from a healthy 128lbs to 106lbs. Colitis was killing me.

Now through all this I found a way to have a baby, move to a different state, provide homemade baby food for my son & daily dinners/lunches for my ex. I started a foundation and worked on building its programs. I did birthday parties, dinner parties, Disneyland trips, home-schooled my son and worked a few different part-time jobs. Don’t ask how I did it… I truly don’t know. I guess I didn’t feel I had an opportunity to really be sick, so I just acted like I wasn’t and lived. But I wasn’t living. I was dying. And it finally caught up with me about three weeks ago when I finally went to see my Gastroenterologist after having a flare up for about 5 weeks. I was hardly able to sit up, let alone stand. I had been taking prednisone for 5 weeks without any improvement and the Vicodin seemed more like a low dose of infant Tylenol! I was weighing in at 106lbs and was severely dehydrated. He took one look at me and told me to he was calling across the street to Cedars Sinai emergency room to make sure that I would be admitted. And so my grandmother helped me across the street where I find myself in the worse pain I had ever felt in my life. Imagine someone taking shards of glass and raking them up and down your back while simultaneously stabbing you in your side while your insides feel like they’ve been set on fire. Between the pain and the nausea, I was left in tears while I waited for them to call my name. This wasn’t the first time colitis pain had brought me to my knees sobbing like a child, but I had made up my mind that this would be the last time. I had decided that it was time to look into long-term treatment, Remicade.

Remicade was something that had been brought to my attention a few times by various doctors and other IBD patients. I had watched my younger cousin with Crohn’s Disease  go from constant flare ups to a normal existence in a matter of months. All I kept hearing is, “I got my life back!” As I laid on the gurney thinking about the last two years of my life and realizing that I could count on one hand how many months I was in remission than flare up, I decided that I too wanted my life back. When I was admitted, a plan went into action with a team of doctors to try to figure out where to go from there. I assumed that they would be the first to jump on my Remicade bandwagon! I mean it seemed to be the hit miracle drug for IBD patients who were finding themselves in constant flare up. But after a few days of no change in pain and no response to the heavy steroid dosage, a new plan was presented to me. Colectomy! My head started swimming! Colectomy? Colectomy as in that surgery where you remove my colon out of my body, forever?! As in I will not have a colon anymore?? WOW! Wait, what happened to Remicade?! The last time someone presented the idea of a colectomy to me was when I was diagnosed with UC. My doctor told me my UC was not that bad and that a surgery like that was a long way off for me! Like a long way off! In fact he said something like, we’ll discuss it when you’re 40 and done having children. Well, I’m not 40! Hell, I haven’t even turned 30 yet and I’m certainly not done having children! So, wait, huh?! Don’t you think we’re jumping the gun here. Then there was that thing about the pouch on your hip that you have to poop into because you no longer have a colon to hold it for you. So, you’re telling me that I am starting off my newly single life with a freakin’ pouch on my hip that will hold my poop, I may not be able to have children and I’ll be colon-less… all before I’m 30?!

I shut down. I stopped listening to what they had to say. My ears started to ring and I found it hard to breathe. In the past year I had moved from Los Angeles to Texas, virtually halting my whole career, my boyfriend had left me, I had to move back in with my mother, I lost so much weight I couldn’t fit into my clothes and now, now they wanted to take my colon and replace it with an ileostomy bag! Clearly God was angry with me! Clearly. I begged that the surgery be the last option, let’s just give the medication a chance to work. Well within 7 days the brought the surgeons in to talk to me. What I didn’t realize is that I was basically a ticking time bomb of internal bleeding. My colon was beyond repair. Trying to do anytime of fusion intense medication only had a 50/50 chance of restoring my organs and saving my life. The medications needed two weeks to get into my system and apparently there was a very good chance that my colon could perforate in that time and then medications don’t matter because we are talking, lights out! So, I’m listening to this surgeon make his case for the colectomy. It seemed that there was a lot of advancement in the five years since it was first presented. Turns out, the colon is replaced with something called a J-Pouch. I still will have to have an ileostomy bag, but for only a few months and not a lifetime. I also will still be able to have children, it will take careful planning, but it’s possible. Okay, so it no longer sounded like a death sentence, but I still wanted to see if we could keep me intact and try the medication. They agreed…….until, the results from my second colonoscopy came in. Apparently there were parts of my colon where the tissue was so thin, they were surprised I hadn’t had a perforation yet. The doctor told me I had a good solid two months at the most to live in the condition I was in. That it was all up to me how I wanted to handle it. I could definitely still try the medication route and wait to see what would happen. I’d continue to be hospitalized, and they could keep trying to help me manage my pain as best they could. And in that waiting to see if the medication begins to work I could also have a rupture, bleed out or have to get a feeding tube because I was very malnourished. OR I could just get the colectomy. And then they left me with my thoughts.

At that moment I swore I heard Jax say, “Mommy!” and I knew there really wasn’t a choice. I needed to live. I wanted to live. Colitis had taken two years of my life and had stolen a lot of things from me…I wasn’t going to let it rob Jaxon of having a mother. And, I just wasn’t ready to die! So colectomy it is! And on April 7th, the amazing doctors at Cedars Sinai removed my colitis infected colon from my body and made me a stoma. And in an instant I became colitis free! The crazy thing is how amazing I felt just in a day. I mean aside from the surgery pain, I felt better than I’ve felt in 5 years. All of my symptoms disappeared over night! It was as if I was a totally different person. For the first time in a long time I felt healthy! I felt human! I felt alive! My incision pain felt like a paper cut compared to what I had been living with for the past few years. I started to wonder how I even lived like I was living. How was I able to function like I did on a daily basis in that kind of pain? Living colitis free for those first few days was an almost an out-of-body experience. I had forgotten what it was like to not wake up in pain from head to toe.

So why am I broadcasting this? Well, for one I’m a little tired of being embarrassed about my condition. There is nothing to be embarrassed about! Having any kind of autoimmune disease or IB disease is hard to live with, because for the most part people can’t really understand what you are going through. Half of the time, they don’t understand your condition. It leaves you feeling ashamed, embarrassed, alone and frustrated. I would spend hours online looking for online communities or stories of mommies who were walking in my shoes and I couldn’t find any. And I know someone is out there right now trying to make the decision and it’s a very scary one! A VERY SCARY ONE! But if this is the best thing! A few months of an ileostomy bag is better than the pain you are feeling now. Yes I have my days, and it’s still very hard for me to look at. But I know it’s a means to an end and it’s temporary. IT’S TEMPORARY! And you are not alone.

All I know is I’m alive, I’m colitis free and my son is trying to learn how to ride his scooter… I’d say I’m pretty blessed!

Factoring in the X

A break up or divorce is always so much more difficult when children are involved. Gone are the days of just washing your hands of someone because you fell out of love or like with them! You will be seeing this person’s face and hearing this person’s voice for the rest of your natural born life! In the words of my boy Squints Palledorous (The Sandlot), FOR-EV-VOR! Unless the other parent ran off, which I know at times you might wish they would, you have to find a way to speak at least every other week. I mean really you should be able to converse about your child every other day, but lets face it within the first year of a break up your ex’s voice sounds like nails on a chalkboard. You are reminded of whatever pain they inflicted on you and reminded why you don’t love them anymore…sometimes wondering, how the hell did you fall in love with this person in the first place!

With most break ups, you’re allowed a mourning period to be away and get over the situation. But when photos of a happy family are going across your desktop and their face is popping up at the door every single weekend, it’s slightly harder. No matter who did what or how it ended, both people are hurting in their own way so you’re trying to mourn the loss of the relationship. But then you have this other little person that has nothing to do with the contention you have going on with the other adult. Actually this little person or persons are lost in a fog of confusion. They go from having two parents living under the same roof, to sometimes having to be in a new room in an instant. And then there’s mom and dad, who go from having a tag team partner to bathe & put to bed, to someone you can’t even share daily kid stories with. So everyone’s just screwed at this point!

I’m just wondering who do you share with? How do you learn how to share again? I mean I know it’s gonna take the child a while to adjust to new surroundings, to mommy & daddy not being together, to having two homes & sometimes two holidays. But what about the parent? Even when you’re over the relationship, you can’t seem to find a way to get through a conversation without throwing daggers at one another! I have to say that the one thing I HATE about being a single mom is not having someone at 8pm to share a glass of wine with and chit chat about the crazy toddler antics of the day. I’ve come to a point in my relationship with my ex where I forgive and don’t regret. I’m in a place where I see the blessing of our relationship and no matter what was said or how my ex feels about the relationship, I personally don’t see it as a waste. We have this really kid that only he and I could have created! Yet, we can’t seem to be able share everyday growing moments with another! It’s so frustrating! Actually, it’s very sad! To go from sharing everything for years, and now we’re at a stage in Jax’s life where everything is so exciting and changing everyday, and I’m alone in it.

I mean sure we could take the perfunctory year to let all wounds heal and find a place in our hearts to set it all aside and be respectful and loving toward one another, but then what happens to the child in that year. He doesn’t stand still. He’s still growing and learning. There are still decisions to be made in terms of schooling & health. We can’t just stop speaking to one another. I think that’s where people mess up. They are so busy trying to teach the other a lesson, staying on the defense, trying to inflict pain onto the other that they forget that there is a innocent person in the middle of this war, and that innocent person is taking the most infliction. Every negative thing you say about the other parent, every missed call at bedtime, every night spent away from the parent they are use to sharing a roof with is a war wound. It may not be gushing, but it does sting and it does add up. Now I’m not saying that every kid from a single parent household grows up with relationship or personality issues, but kids do feel the pain of separation greater than we do. When we are long over it, our kids still remember when it was Mommy & Daddy’s house and hoping that Mommy or Daddy will come back home.

Okay so what do you do? You suck up your pride and make it easier. Find the respect for this person they deserve as your child’s parent and work from there. The point is, you are still a family. You’re relationship though severed now, did exist and created an amazing person, so work from there. If the other parent is a good parent, continue to encourage them to be just that! Your child didn’t have a choice in being born, you made that decision so treat that relationship with the most respect. Try and understand the situation from you’re kid’s point of view. You look at the world through your child’s eyes anyway, so look at this break up through their eyes too. I promise you’ll stop feeling sorry for yourself and realize who is really hurting. You’ll forget how she broke your heart or how miserable you were or why he fell out of love. You’ll realize that when your kid is visiting and says he wants to go home its not to the other parent, its to your old life. See really, this break up cant be about you!

Talk to your kids! No matter how young! Kids are not stupid, they can sense a change. You risk turning the confusion into resentment and anger in the long run, not making things clear. And yes they will ask over and over! Every time they see you together, it will seem like the progress you make will regress back to pure confusion as to why Daddy isn’t staying after his visit. Find a way to tackle this confusion together and that may lead to a smoother path of communication. Maybe standing together and working on making the little one(s) comfortable will help you both become comfortable with the new situation. And from there you can find a way to speak to one another and enjoy raising this child together. Raising kids is fun! Divorce or a break up shouldn’t change that! And no it’s not easy! The whole situation sucks, plain and simple! But your situation could always be worse than what it is, so stop harping on the negative and search for the positive. Be conscious of your ex-partner and their feelings, respecting them as a human being will help you respect their parental rights. They’re time as ur partner has ended, but not as a parent so encourage that! You’re family is not dissolved, it’s just gotten bigger and different, but it’s still a family. If you are still looking as your post divorce household as a family, then you are on the right track. Because you are, you’re kids still need both of you… and really you both need each other!

Mommy Guilt

A few months ago I went on a date with someone other than Steven for the first time in 3 years. Well okay, it wasn’t really a date, more like a, “hey how are you? Let’s get drinks and chat!” type of deal. Whatever the case is, I was sitting across from a man I didn’t know, I was attracted to, was attracted to me who wasn’t the father of my child. I stumbled and fumbled, gulping my wine like it was Gatorade trying to remember how to flirt and charm someone. I had spent the last three years trying to deflect a man’s gaze off of me to keep the 250lb bag of bones I loved from flying into a rage over an innocent misunderstanding of marital status! But now I was free to smile, wink, flirt and throw my head back in the candle light.

I spent half of the night feeling a thrill of cheating and the rest of the night feeling the guilt of cheating. It wasn’t until I hugged my date good night and stepped into my car, and took on look in the mirror that I realized, “Fool! You’re not cheating!” Well, I’ve done a lot better since then! I no longer feel like I need to duck and cover, wear dark clothes or don’t hold hands in the in the light! I’m sure, in fact I know it’s a lot easier for men to shed the guilt of a break up. Usually when they are done, they are done and they don’t like to or feel they need to continue to respect their past relationships. They certainly don’t feel guilt about moving on too quickly. Well that old guilt of cheating on Steven has turned into a weird guilt of taking myself away from Jax. Like I’m cheating on him with my time. So silly I know! How can you cheat on your son? How can you cheat on him with your time when you give him pretty much all of your time? I don’t have to plan out my time with him because he’s always with me! LOL!

So why do we as women? Is it because we have the children? Because we create and make the homes? Is it because it’s just not the way it should be done in western society? I feel like I felt guilty just because of the way a society looks at a single mother dating. I mean my ex moved on faster than I could pack up my belongings and his friends were rooting him on. Me? If I get one more text about how I need to concentrate on my son and me now, dating will always be there, I just might scream!

I mean listen, I’m not saying I’m ready to get back into a relationship or get married. I’d like to get married and have more children. Preferably sooner, rather than later, but Jax and I are still adjusting to not being apart of trio. But, I do enjoy having adult, fun, flirty, attention and conversation every now and again. And someone looking at me and telling me I’m beautiful who isn’t telling Foofa she’s beautiful in the same breath, is pretty nice too. And I don’t see how there’s anything wrong with that? I’m not bringing some guy around my kid and in his space. I’m dividing my time with my son with my time with a dude. I’m not neglecting my son. I’m just liking a boy! I’m liking a boy in a very normal innocent fashion! Come on guys, seriously! I’m a mom, but I’m still young. My kid is healthy and happy and gets all my attention while he’s awake and even sleeping.

And of course I’ll type up this whole blog and some of you may read and comment and encourage me to go out and not feel guilty. Someone will tell me, it’s healthy to continue to go out with friends and dates and enjoy myself! And I will take it all in, and listen and heed to their advice and then as soon as pull those shoes out of the box and pull out my mascara, Jax will look up at me and…. GUILT!!! HERE HE COMES TO WRECK THE DAAAYYYY!!!! LOL! For some things I truly believe it just might be easier to be a man!

It’s A Great Life…A really great great LIFE!

I woke up this morning and the first thing that ran through my mind was that very first moment I met Jax’s eyes! Those sweet sweet soft curious gray eyes looked at me and my life was never the same. At that moment I realized that I had been living my whole life to lead up to that moment! I had been waiting my whole life to be a mother! He had been waiting for me to be ready and though I spent my whole pregnancy doubting if I was really ready to be everything he needed, I knew at that very moment that I was ready!

This morning Jax put on his doctor costume, his Brobee backpack, his green iPod, and jumped on his bike ready to tackle the day. The first song to play on my iPhone was Good Life by OneRepublic. This single mommy had a major revelation. There has been a lot of craziness and heartbreak in the past year, but this life, this life right here with the costumes, yo gabba gabba, tantrums, countless hugs & kisses, dancey dance filled evenings, and I love you’s said with a lisp is a freakin’ GOOD LIFE!

Sometimes there’s airplanes I can’ t jump out 
Sometimes there’s bullshit that don’t work now 
We are god of stories but please tell me
What there is to complain about

That moment Jaxon came into this world, I had all kinds of plans. I had a partner, love, a home and now a family of my own and this is how it would remain until my death. Now I have love and I still have my family…just back on the journey for that life partner. That moment he said he couldn’t do it anymore and we were no longer home, I truly thought I wouldn’t make it. I didn’t know what was good, what was up or down, what was bad and what was real. I had lost myself so much and poured my soul into my family and household and a future that just wasn’t meant for me. Life was awful! It’s taken some time and lot of soul searching to realize that there really isn’t anything to complain about. Sometimes shit just happens and you just have to roll with it! Everything happens for a reason and count those blessings as they are! I look back on those first few months of this transition and wonder why so much sadness? There wasn’t failure really. I look at those gray eyes turned brown now and I can’t help but be happy like a crazy fool! I remember thinking, my family was so beautiful! But I realize my family is still so beautiful, Jaxon will just have more people in his family to love him when Steven and I find those true life partners.

My son wakes up every morning with a smile on his face grinning through his pacifier and he lets out a “good morning, mama!” through it. Every morning! And it’s been that way since he first learned how to smile! What is there to complain about? This could really be a good good life! My ex changed his first diaper, followed him into the nursery and spent two years taking Saturday mornings so I could sleep in after being on morning duty call everyday during the week. No he isn’t here anymore every saturday, but he’s still here! this is just a new way of life. What is there to complain about? This is good good life.

When you’re happy like a fool 
Let it take you over 
When everything is out 
You gotta take it in

Neither one of us planned to fall out of love. Neither one of us planned to not be spending a 50th wedding anniversary together. Okay, well things happen. So where do we go now? What do I do now? I live! I woke up this morning that through all the bullshit, there is still an ounce of joy! I am hanging onto that and letting that guide me. I spent so many months wondering where I went wrong and how to fix me! Wondering how it happened and when it happened! Feeling hopeless and confused. Not realizing that I was missing all the blessings passing me by. I look back on the last few years and only see the blessings and only see the happiness.

Hopelessly 
I feel like there might be something that I’ll miss 
Hopelessly 
I feel like the window closes oh so quick 
Hopelessly 
I’m taking a mental picture of you now 
‘Cuz hopelessly 
The hope is we have so much to feel good about

I look at those brown eyes looking up at me and I realize that where I am now is just as amazing as where I was October 21, 2009 at 6:05 pm. Those brown eyes are waiting for me to show him how great this life is GONNA be! It’s time to take that deep deep breath, reflect, grab his chubby little hand and race toward hope! Grab you’re Brobee backpack kid, it’s time to set off on our new adventure! Together we’ll show each other just how AMAZING this life is gonna really be!

The Good Life